“Sex Is Not An Egalitarian Pleasure Party”


I  wonder if my kids will recognize innocent lovemaking someday.

I wonder if my kids will even recognize innocent lovemaking someday.


Hmm. Well, that one certainly got my attention. Most of you know that my three older kids are in college now, and they all  come back with things that constantly startle and amaze. My older daughter is blossoming into quite a feminist, and is walking a line between frothing rabidness and downright insightfulness. (It’s actually pretty funny, she’s self aware enough to call herself trite. )

Still, I listen to her like I did over lunch today, and can’t quite believe what I hear.  We discussed this issue today. The quote titling my column today came from a two year old column by one Jared Wilson, a blogger for an organization called “The Gospel Coalition.” Mr. Wilson wrote a column for the Coalition entitled “The Polluted Waters of 50 Shades of Grey.” (He has since taken the column down.) In it, he quotes another author -Doug Wilson, who wrote in his book Fidelity: What it Means to be a One-Woman Man:

“Because we have forgotten the biblical concepts of true authority and submission, or more accurately, have rebelled against them, we have created a climate in which caricatures of authority and submission intrude upon our lives with violence.

When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts.This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed.”

Now just sit with me for a second.  I have trouble getting over my revulsion about the words ‘conquers, colonizes and plants.’ Much less the violating implications of ‘surrenders and accepts.’

Rachel Held Evans,  an Egalitarian Christian blogger, barely restrains her wrath from these men. I’ll excerpt what she said shortly.

Apparently, there are labels to be had here. The Gospel Coalition types, as I understand them, call themselves “complementarians.” That seems to mean that they accept Americanized-(italics mine) gender roles as God ordained. Men are in authority over all things, women are to submit.

Egalitarians seem to reject this, and accept roles with more liberality. As far as sex is concerned, it kind of boggles my mind that this is even a debate. Here is what Rachel Held Evans had to say: (rachelheldevans.com/blog/gospel-coalition-douglas-wilson-sex)

According to this post, sex is just another avenue through which a man must exert his authority over woman. As with everything else, the man is the boss and the woman is the subordinate. Wilson contrasts this “God-ordained” relationship of authority and submission to that of an “egalitarian pleasure party,” which I can only assume refers to a sexual relationship characterized by mutual pleasure, mutual authority, mutual submission, and mutual respect—which sounds a lot more desirable to me than being conquered and colonized. 

Now, Ms. Evans continues with lengthly reference to Song of Songs, the first chapter, where she describes the Shulamite woman as going out, finding her husband, and initiating the joy of sex with a willing partner. In First Corinthians 7:3-4 the Apostle Paul also teaches about the mutuality of the marriage bed.

I don’t label myself as anything but Scriptural, but I find myself landing with Ms. Evans on this one. How on earth is there anything but mutuality in the marriage bed, as taught in Scripture? Gracious.

Really, to me, I don’t care for any of this theological bickering, only inasmuch as it applies to the people I love. I must say, though, I am concerned. As my children fly out of the nest, they float through a lot of this relational nonsense. Fortunately for me, I was raised in a household that valued ‘hiding God’s word in my heart’ and not much else. It helped a lot when I met Chris, who had been blown about by all sorts of feel good teaching. None of that helped heal the hole in his heart from an abusive family dynamic. Only leaning on the eternal, unchangeable, healing of God’s spirit set him free.

My prayer for my children, as for you, is that we continue to find solid, baggage-free, Scriptural teaching that is not viewed through the lens of the culture or fad of the day. That we continue to dig through the treasure of Scripture and find out what God has to say about matters of the heart, rather than have someone do our thinking for us.

Biblegateway.com is a great place to start. I have great faith in your ability to think, Visitors,  and Biblegateway has a great parallel feature where you can look up what you are interested in, find several versions of scripture, and start asking yourself the important questions. Then go to your pastor, or write me even, and let’s figure some of this stuff out together.

Love to you all,


(Note, Jared Wilson has since apologized for the content of his 2012 column.hegospelcoalition.org/blogs/gospeldrivenchurch/2012/07/20/some-reflections-just-one-explanation-and-apologies/)

Doug Wilson stands firm.

7 thoughts on ““Sex Is Not An Egalitarian Pleasure Party”

  1. I’ve heard this theory before, and frankly, it makes me laugh. It’s amazing all the things people get out of the Bible that no one else ever has.

    This seems to be along the same vein of God doesn’t speak to women directly, but only through the men who are in authority over her. Oh please. That was stretch. I simply can’t take some of this crap seriously. I’m too busy demanding God give me a mansion and a mustang, and making sure I have enough faith that He can’t turn me down.

    Seriously. What next??
    ~ bird


  2. I mean this in the most loving of ways. You need to start writing on this site more. What the hell? Don’t you know I need to escape from my own circus once in a while? I feel neglected. :-(


  3. I’ve heard of this narrow-minded/shallow view of sex as well. I pity anyone who actually believes this or sees it this way. Isn’t sex about intimacy between two people? About showing love in the most intimate way? Isn’t it about finding pleasure from pleasing one-another; finding that which gives the greatest pleasure to your partner and revelling in their enjoyment as well as you own? Anyway, I’m droning on. :)


  4. Men Believe They Are Allowed to Dominate Women?!?

    I have become alarmed and sickened at modern male “Christians”, and worse yet “preachers”, who teach that Yahweh allows and even instructs men to dominate women in every area and aspect of life, up to and including sexual intercourse in the marriage bedroom (or wherever their unrestrained proclivities may demand it).
    This selfish, childish, disobedient, and even satanic theory appears to have become epidemic throughout the “young turk” preacher set who all seem to fancy themselves the next great reformist, or enlightener, or televangelist con-man, or (fill-in-the-blank). I can only attribute this pandemic to one or more of the following:

    1. No attendance of a reputable Bible training institute that actually understands Hebrew
    2. Attendance of a reputable Bible institute and sleeping through Hebrew class
    3. Overactive testosterone levels that cause willful ignorance of Hebrew
    4. Quenching and Ignoring the Holy Spirit / Hagios Pneuma / Ruwach of Yahweh
    5. No conversion of mind or choice to obey Jesus, the Messiah of Yahweh
    6. Actually being an agent of the deceiver / destroyer who has taken the form of an “angel of light” and is really a demon in disguise, bent on destroying Christianity from the inside

    Yes, you read that correctly. I am accusing many of the new-preachers-on-the-block of really being servants of the devil and not being anything remotely close to a Christian servant/slave of Jesus, the living Words of Yahweh. If you believe I am hiding behind the safety of the internet and would not accuse you to your face you are very, very, VERY wrong. In May of 2008, I was in Iraq during Operation Charge of the Knights and walked through Basra, Iraq, with the 1st ANGLICO Marines as we liberated the city from Taliban, Al Qaeda, Hamas and Iran Army insurgents who were burning people alive. I think accusing a preacher-boy to his face would be a whole lot easier than that little “vacation.”
    Actually, you should be grateful I am not accusing you to your face. I have stepped up to quite a number of “preachers” after I heard them teaching lies and pretending it was the words of Yahweh. The last liar I confronted was in August, 2012, when he taught; and I quote:

    “If Rahab the lying whore” [he repeated that so many times I swear it gave him an erotic pleasure] “was not in the lineage of Jesus then Jesus never would have been born because it takes the DNA from both parents to create the child.”

    If that statement caused no alarm in your head you need to read it again since the Holy Spirit, who interprets scripture for His servants, is not active in your life. To explain: If Jesus had the DNA from both parents it means Jesus did not have a virgin birth. This man who pastors a huge, uber-mega-sized church in Porter Ranch, California, does not believe in the virgin birth of Jesus. I was nose-to-nose with that lying satanist immediately following the message. He dismissed me and continues to teach the lie. I was obviously not “persuasive” enough in my argument. Perhaps I need to study the argumentation methods of Paul-of-Tarsus vs. Peter / Barnabas a bit more. The real crime is that the satanic preacher of Porter Ranch is allowed to continue teaching that lie, that the people believe the lie, and he undermines the faith, and subsequently the salvation, of the entire congregation.

    Domination of Women is a Satanic Lie

    Whatever the reason is that caused this modern misogyny of dominating women must stop! If I MUST get nose-to-nose with you then I will, believe me. “Christians” in this country are becoming more and more Muslim by the hour. I truly fear that the illustration found in Romans 11:21 might actually be happening to the Gentile church. If so, count me among the Jews.

    It appears from the various blogs and other website based forums I have stumbled upon, that this new oppression of women by those pretending to be “Christian” men is based on the Genesis account of Yahweh’s curse on women after Adam’s disobedience against Yahweh’s command. I do write “Adam’s disobedience” since it was Adam who was given the command and was totally responsible to relay that command to Eve, thereby fulfilling Yahweh’s designed hierarchy of His created order.
    Those who disagree must read Genesis 1:28-30 closely. Yahweh tells both Adam and Eve, obviously at separate times, the following only:

    1. Be fruitful and multiply
    2. Replenish the earth
    3. Subdue it and have dominion over the fish, birds and land animals
    4. Eat any herb and fruit of fruit trees you wish (no denial – only permission)

    Absolutely no mention was given by Yahweh to Eve about NOT eating the tree of knowledge. Yahweh gave that order to Adam and only Adam. Read Genesis 2:16-17 where Yahweh told Adam, before Eve was created, that Adam was not to eat the tree of knowledge. Yahweh never told Eve about the tree of knowledge but she knew about it since she is the one who answered the serpent and not Adam. Modern “man” will still let the woman take charge and answer the accuser instead of stepping-up and taking the lead, which is their created duty.
    After Adam acts like a punk-chump-jerk, he allows Eve to take the lead, fails to protect her from disobeying Yahweh, and then joins Eve in the disobedience Adam allowed her to commit in the first place. Wow, what a man. Yahweh has no choice but to punish these disobedient children. The form of that punishment is grossly abused by men since it is so horribly misunderstood. Yahweh told Eve:

    ‘ishshah, ‘amar, “rabah rabah `itstsabown herown `etseb yalad ben, teshuwqah ‘iysh mashal” (phonetically transliterated Hebrew – Gen. 3:16)

    The mechanical translation of that Hebrew statement into English says:

    “Mortal woman, I say, ‘increase, increase your worry in pregnancy to painfully create and birth a son, and you will desirously stretch out after a man to rule.”

    Nowhere does Yahweh say that a man will “rule over the woman”, which is to say “dominate” her. The very concept that male will rule over female in some dominant fashion cannot be supported anywhere in the Bible. Those who believe they are ordered to dominate women cannot point to Yahweh for those orders. Only the adversary of Yahweh desires to dominate.
    Those who claim Genesis 1:28 orders men to dominate women forget one very simple and glaring fact. Eve was told the exact same thing. Therefore, according to the screwed-up male translation of Genesis 1:28, women are ordered to dominate men. And this order happened while creation was perfect and before the failure of Adam to obey Yahweh. Does that mean Yahweh created Adam and Eve to each fight for domination over the other in the perfect earth He just finished? That is neither “good”, “very good”, nor perfection.
    The simple answer is “No.” Yahweh did not create strife, contention, argument, anger, bitterness or chaos. Those attributes come from the satanic Adversary, not Yahweh. To claim Genesis 1:28 orders men to dominate women is to call Yahweh a liar and agree with satan.

    Men Are Designed To Be Proactive and Lead Courageously

    Yahweh says that women will desire a man who will actually rule by taking the lead he was created for instead of letting Eve take the fault and even blaming her. Man will not dominate the woman since man is supposed to love the woman in the exact same way he loves himself and cares for himself. And even more importantly, man is supposed to love the woman in the same way Jesus loves her and is willing to die for her. If you will not take a bullet for her, you do not love her. In Iraq I was willing to take a bullet for people I never knew here in the U.S. How much more willing for someone I love?
    The way I read it, Yahweh’s curse to all women is what every woman cries over today and has cried over for centuries. That cry is, “Where are all the good men?!” This is the number one cry of women because men are so stupid. And they prove they are stupid by screwing up the words of Yahweh so they can abuse women on purpose. Even so-called “Christian” men want to abuse women and so they blame Yahweh for giving them the order to do it.
    Just like Adam, men still blame Yahweh for giving them the reason that causes disobedience instead of obeying out of love. In Adam, everyone dies. In Jesus, everyone can be made alive.

    Woman Was Designed To Help Man

    Does any man reading this even know what “help” means? I will tell you what it does NOT mean. “Help” does not mean that you tell the woman to “Get yo’ butt in that kitchen and make me a sammich!” That is called slavery you idiot. A woman is not your slave. She is not an automatic dish washer or sammich-maker. A woman is a child of Jesus, the Words of Yahweh. She will inherit heaven and is 100% equal with all men. All men who believe they are allowed to dominate women will be accused and convicted of abuse.
    In order for someone to help someone else, the person needing help has to be doing something. NO ONE can help someone who is doing nothing. If a man is doing nothing and demands the woman “help” him by doing dishes, clean house, or any other task, that man is an idiot. He is stupid. He is an abusive jerk who needs to be punched into reality.
    Yo! Man. If you want the woman to help you, then you must be doing something. If you want the woman to help cook then YOU must be cooking first. If you want the woman to help wash dishes, YOU must be washing dishes first. If you want the woman to help do laundry, YOU must be doing laundry first. Do you get the idea yet??

    If you still disagree then you need to study what Yahweh told 130 year-old Cain (Gen. 5:3) after he killed his little brother for being obedient. Get that? A 130 year-old man got mad at someone being obedient because he, himself, disobeyed Yahweh. What a putz. Here is what Yahweh told Cain:

    ‘im! Yatab! se’eth yatab! chatta’ah rabats pethach teshuwqah mashal (phonetically transliterated Hebrew – Gen. 4:7)

    The mechanical translation of that Hebrew phrase into English is:

    Yo! Do well! Elevate and do well! The consequence of failure is to crouch at an opening and desirously stretch out after ruling.

    Yahweh demands obedience, not sacrifice. He demands we “Elevate and do well.” If a man does NOT do well that man will desire to rule over and dominate women instead of loving them in the same way Jesus loves her and will die for her. The fact that men who pretend to be “Christian” choose to dominate women instead of loving them proves they are not “Elevating and doing well.” They are suffering the consequence of failing to obey Yahweh and desire to rule over and dominate women, not love them. Unfortunately, women are suffering from the domination of disobedient, sinful men and not experiencing unconditional love as Jesus wants to give them.

    But Yahweh Orders Women to Submit

    If you as a male-gendered idiot truly believes that Yahweh orders a women to succumb to your every whim then you have absolutely no idea what submit means. I was military. I know exactly what submit means. I spent many years submitting to authority, some good, some not-so-good, and some downright useless. When that authority became abusive I did NOT submit to it any longer. I visited the JAG office and removed the abusive authority.
    If you as a male-gendered idiot want to dominate the woman in your life you have become an abusive authority. Yahweh will crush you because He loves her more than you do. The problem is that the woman may suffer undue stress while you are being crushed. So, mister man, stop being a dominating, disobedient, sinful jerk and learn what Yahweh says about how to treat the woman in your life.
    By the way – she actually OWNS you, fella. You are HER property and she gets to tell YOU what to do and if SHE does not want YOU going to hang out with the guys tonight, then you do NOT go hang out with the guys – get it?? What do you mean you don’t believe that she owns you? Go read 1 Corinthians 7:3-4.
    Now you tell me… who is supposed to submit to whom?

    A Message to Women

    Women, your only recourse for these little boys pretending to be men is to pray. Pray, pray, pray – then pray some more. Yahweh gave you Ruwach, the Holy Spirit who is here to help you. The Holy Spirit can change these little boys’ minds as easily as channeling water through a pipe. They are failing to protect you and love you just as Adam failed to protect Eve from being deceived by the serpent. Pray hard!
    Adam threw Eve under the bus by allowing her to take the first bite. After she did not fall down dead, Adam must have concluded it would be alright for him to eat it. After all, Yahweh must have been lying just as the serpent said He was. Eve was deceived by the serpent but she was forsaken and abandoned by the love of her life, Adam.
    Adam, however, chose to disobey the command he was given straight from the mouth of Yahweh who Adam knew was King. Adam also stood silent as he watched and allowed his wife, Eve, to be spiritually murdered by the serpent. Adam never stepped up to protect her even a little. Adam was the worst man ever and now we all pay the price.
    Please, please, please pray for us. I am not immune to being so stupid but at least I know how stupid I can be. These itinerate preacher-boys have NO idea how stupid they really are. What is worse is that they are teaching all other men-boys how to be equally stupid – and worse.

    A Final Note to Men

    For those of you who believe my translation of Genesis is “all screwed up” and that I “don’t know what I’m talking about” I challenge you to get a Hebrew Dictionary/Lexicon and do the research for yourself. Talk to a Rabbi or two for good measure. The English Bible is not terribly accurate when it comes to information about how Adam treated Eve and the repercussions that followed. This obviously began with King Jimmy (or before – probably before, as in… Nicaea) and no “man” has had the stones to call a bluff that has been around for hundreds or thousands of years.
    Why, that would mean hundreds of pastors have been teaching the wrong message for decades and would have to admit their mistake. It would mean Ph.D.’s may appear to not deserve their position or paycheck. Books and magazines would be subject to recall or revision and religious printing companies would lose money and prestige. Televangelists would face ridicule for their massive lies and network stock might fall.
    Since they all worship Mammon and not Messiah, since they all teach Tradition and not Truth, it must never change (sic). The temple money-changers are alive and well and living in the pulpits of the U.S.A. I pray that Jesus do the same to them as He did in Jerusalem.
    Since we all know men do NOT admit mistakes – or ask directions – change will most likely never happen. The well-established American religious system would rather teach a lie and destroy people than apologize and correct itself.
    Hey… preacher-boy… you really want to make a name for yourself? I think I know how you can do just that. But first, you need to become a man.

    Where are all the good men???

    Adonay Yahweh Elohiym, King Eternal with Supreme Strength, help us all learn the truth.


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